She Blocked the way.
I knew once I was passed
Her I know freedom.
Although, I feel I am always
An adult, even as one eleven-
Year-old, she never and still is
I’ve had dreams of her
Passing away, oh, but –
That is slightly lying.
I’ve had dreams of me
Killing her, with a knife
And her stabbed in the core.
I’ve had her really I pushed her
Down the fucking stairs.
She has punch and kink and
All of those things, and I gave them
All back. One hundred percent,
Though I now call them “Dreams.”
She, well, now the only SHE, I can
Actually CARE about is me – the little
Girl in me, who always wanted a mom.
Although she never was able to have one,
Since her blood mother was evil, and kind-less,
There was also a mother figure, always around.
And besides, I am also a beautiful mother
Of my own, little girl, in me, although, there is
I am no Mother Mary. I am simply a lover.
I love myself, no matter what, even through
Ugly evil and pain inflicted on me as a helpless
I am touching contact with the rage in me,
And I hit things, with a new foam bat, a baseball
Red bat for kids.
I needed one, I still am inside that old angry,
Incensed little girl, ready to punch your eyes,
Kick your heels, and generally, just Fuck you up.
I was always happy and full of love,
And at home, always miserable, neglected, angry.
Full of rage, I thought was gone once I grew up,
And now living with my parents, incensed again,
I actually AM grown up, and how beautiful a feeling
It is. I am learning how to handle myself, and say no.
I am learning that hitting your mother’s bed with new
Red, foam bat, is exhilarating, and feelings rage, and then
Severe hurt, will emerge, then with tears, and afterward:
Exhilaration! Freedom! From deadly anger’s grasp.
I may not have had a loving mother, there was, however,
A large female human being who betrayed and hurt me,
Again and again, and tries so much still to hurt me today.
I release that pain, therefore, she has no power.
I am full of powerful love. Love love is always the answer.
Happy mother’s day. I’m better mother than I was, and
Have ever known! I love you.